(compiled by Blair Mulholland)

The Worst New Zealand Songs of All Time
Well PNN seems to have beaten me to it. Unfortunately, Mr Albarn's list is hugely inadequate. He has left out some of the worst recordings ever committed to vinyl anywhere in the world. It's time to reveal the Official Worst New Zealand Songs of All Time (TM), in descending order:

1) Shane - Saint Paul
This song has to be heard to be believed. I'll bet there are people who have spent years in Carrington just aching to erase the memory of this travesty from their besieged minds. It's a ghastly hash of stolen Beatles melodies and embarrasing references to Beatles lyrics, that might have been funny was Shane not so obviously taking himself seriously. No, scratch that, Weird Al Yancovic himself could not even raise a smirk with it. The singing is crap too - it comes off like a third rate Scott Walker imitation. In fact, there is nothing remotely redeeming about Saint Paul, and in the best tradition of Pat Buchanan I'd be quite happy to believe that New Zealand's economic decline over the last thirty years is entirely God's curse for spawning a song of such untalented worthlessness.

2) Paul Holmes - Wichita Lineman (or any of his music really)
Holmes is a lousy interviewer whose fondess for the yes/no question belies his popularity. However, he is still better at interviewing than he is at singing. Of course this week his interest in Shrek the sheep has cleared up the mystery - Holmes's influences are now all too apparent.

3) Hayley Westenra - Who Painted the Moon Black?
That would have been you, Hayley, by singing such utter garbage. Now don't get me wrong, Hayley is a marvelous singer, who, to be frank, would be more at home on the cover of Ralph than the cover of the Womens Weekly, but um... the song... um... bad call, love! Lyrics rhyming "moon" with "balloon", a chorus as mind-numbingly inane as "Who painted the moon black?/Oh won't you... come back..." and a string arrangement that muzak would be proud of makes this the third worst New Zealand song of all time. The only way it could be worse would be if Paul Holmes covered it.

4) Double J and Twice the T - Def To Be Green
Well if it isn't New Zealand's own Vanilla Ice? This mock Run DMC City Council advertisement was in no way possibly "Def". In fact, hearing it will make you wish you were deaf.

5) Tim Finn and Herbs - Parihaka
Tim Finn tries to teach New Zealand about its history. Fails. Peter Garrett he is not. Actually I couldn't decide whether this or his appalling NZ Cricket anthem Runs in the Family was worse, so that can be number six. It sank even lower than the fortunes of the team in 1995, which was no mean feat really.

7) Blackjack - Kurt Cobain
Blackjack are a bunch of bogan metallers from Hamilton. In 1994 Kurt Cobain shot himself, then Blackjack released a drippy acoustic guitar driven power ballad that made everyone who heard it want to do the same thing. If I ever wave a lighter for this song, it will be to burn the damn thing.

8) Split Enz - Shark Attack
Score one for PNN and the most overrated New Zealand band of all time! Kitch and clumsy with layers of extra cheese for good measure. Geez, we're only up to number eight and Tim Finn has three songs already!

9) South Side of Bombay - What's the Time Mr Wolf?
Time a certain reggae bar band realised a childrens game should never form the basis for a song. Bob Marley would spew.

10) Ngaire - To Sir With Love
Take a classic torch song from the 60s. Add beats. Suck any life or emotion out of the song in the process.

I'm not done yet. There's plenty more where that came from, and I'm sure I've missed out songs that should be there. But that will do for the moment.