uh, hi, my name is cleanie, and i'm from Dunedin.

i'm going to sing 'Gaskrankinstation' by the Headless Chickens. i reckon there's too much crap new wave around at the moment, and this song, for me, encapsulates what i think of when i think of decent new wave. not that i really think it is, but i'm taking a crow bar and jamming this fantastic song into the pigeon hole of new wave.

not many petrol companies wanted to sponsor my look, so i put together a little of everything. i'm wearing a cap like 'Ivan' does in the video, i think it's an old caltex cap ... in fact i've got a horrible red diagonal stripe caltex top on, which makes me look wretched, and black pants which look damn smart apart from the oil patches and overwhelming smell of CRC. actually i find the smell of CRC lifts my performance somewhat, and also makes me feel wretched. that's what i'm hoping to portray - the self-aware wretchedness of the human condition, kiwi style. that's what the song means to me. plus, it rocks.

so here we go ... "My name is Ivan, my occupation? Well [high note/shriek here] i've been workin' twenty years at the gaskrankinstation [very low notes now] toowwwwn.
i love the cars, you know without me they wouldn't go very farrhh.
i like the smell [getting a bit manic here], i like my work
but my wife, she makes me feel like such a jerk
when i can't, get it up ... sometimes [lowww notes] i look at her and i don't see anybody in there [lots of pathos here, reaching into the sky and pulling down the clouds of sadness]
[a bit brighter] i've got a cat, called Ed. he's a vicious lil bugger when it come to being fed,
i got a tv set or two ... but we'll have to get a man in
cause one of them blew up [will gesture blowing up with hands here]
maybe, one day, i might just take up the piano again, but awww
what the hell, most of the time everything is just swell [loowwwww notes] around here ...
[very manic now] i gottacouple of friends and they'rebothcalledDave
youknowsometimesthoseguys just dunno how to behavetheyget drunk and boy you just can't take them anywhere
AH HAH HAH! [very manic now, putting everything into it]
and my wife, she don't approve, she keeps on asking me when we're gonna move
why can't we have a child [lots of pathos here]
sometimes i wonder why i never managed to knock some sense into her [temporary anger, followed by self-recrimination and touch of self-pity] aww, shit, you know what i'm talkin about!
[instrumental break .. dance around like peter garrett/marionette to blistering guitar descent-into-hell]
as long as my heart keep thumping, i guess i'll keep on pumping gas,
sometimes i wonder if there really is a god
but when i walk, home from work, by that big new church and that young priest's eyes are shining bright
well i look but i don't see anybody in there
at night i watch the news, but i like the lady newsreader morethanthereviews of the day
what are they on about? i wish i knew all the facts
but i'm much too tired to think [start to collapse like a marionette without strings, more pulling down the clouds] and my head is looking down from the edge of a cliff that's my body
sometimes i sit in myself and i don't feel anybody in there ...
[dying swan, fin]

i have no intention of singing, so i will stand there while my computer sings "What A Wonderful World" using windows XP text-to-speech utility...

ahhh
ummm
my names jon
and i'm dressed in old black jeans with arcaine early head like a hole and shihäd logos drawn on in black vivid
i've got my killjoy t-shirt on because i'm an old-school fan
i've got brown kathmandu tramping boots on which my parents brought me
i've got my aviators on cause they make me look cool

tonight mathew i'm going to be JON TOOGOOD and partially sing and fully air guitar "down dance" off their best recording ever DEVOLVE!!!

dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun
duahh duddah duahh duahh dun duahh duah dun dudduadahdah
dundun dahh dah dadda da
huh
dun duahh dah dah dah
dundundudndudndudn dididididididdahhdun
huh
dundun
fight!!!
flook at all the fight
whitness all the wars
dun dun dahhh dun
lead us into war (looks at angry at crowd
deaths row.... must confess to your senseless foe
dun dun dahhhh!!!
die die die!!!
death i'm not so scared
killing to keep on sacred!!!
arghhhh!!!
(poses)
dush dun dun dah dah dah dun dun
dawn
dawning
of a new morning
ice
ice age!!!
dun duhh dun duhhhhh (big round movement on my air guitar)
(big grin revealing my unbrushed bogan teeth)
is the wealth putitng us to shame
who did this
who us!!!
dun dun dun duhhhhhhhh
death i'm not so sacred
killing to keep on killing
duh duh duh dun duh duh duh dun dun duh
arghh didi arghh didi argh didi
didididididi
(crazy guitar solo)
arghh dididididdooodududdidididididichiddiii
dun dun dahhh dun dah
dun duh dan
plea for for yes
or die for no
...
must confess to your deadly foe
die die die!!!
dun duahh dun dahhh
....
death i'm not so sacred
killing to keep on killingg
HEY!!!
HEY!!!
HEY!!!
dun dun dahh dun!!!

Hi, my name's Jo. I've wanted to be a sing-gur for like, ever. Well, before I used to want to be a dancer, but for some reason, no one wanted to partner me in ballet. Maybe it's because I'm too tall. I studied it for years and years though, well from when I was five to when I was eight. It had a big effect on me. My role models are Madonna and Avril Lavinge cos she's the first chick to really rock out.

Have I done much singing? Well I always tried out for musicals in school but I guess the drama teacher thought my voice was too mature and I would have shown up all the other kids. Do you like what I'm wearing? My friend Sheryl did my makeup for me because I can't apply eyeliner very well. My mum said I looked like a whore with such a low top and so much stuff on my eyes, and she said that if i dressed all in black you'd think I was a goth. But I had to wear black to go with my song. I think you'll like it, it's a little number called "Black Velvet", by this chick called Alannah Myles. You don't mind that I've made up some moves to go along with the song do you? It's just it's very dramatic and it touches me in places. I think it speaks to all of us. It's quite a sexy song too so it might make you a little excited, and i'll be flirting with you through my interpretation of it, but I'm not trying to sleep my way to the top. Well do you think that would improve my chances? I'd do anyhting to be New Zealand Idol? What's that, you want me to start singing now? Ok.

Oh my God! I'd just like to say that this is the greatest opportunity that I have ever been given and I don't want to mess it up!

Um, I am wearing some fush net tights and a black leather skirt that I borrowed from my mate Donna. It's a bit tight for me which is weird because I'm a size 14 and so is this skirt. Donna said I must be a size 16, but I reckon the skirt probably shrunk when she washed it, eh? I have some really hot stilettos which I got on sale at Hannahs. Mum says that make my ankles look fat, but what would she know. She's just a jealous cow. I am also wearing a stretch purple crushed velvet singlet top. It's trimmed with black lace, which matches my bra. I know you can see the bra straps sticking out on my shoulders - that's my trademark look! And I have a red mesh wrap on top which I am using to disguise my wobbly upper arms and emphasise my boobs. If you've got it, flaunt it, I reckon. I got mum to redo my roots to help with my hot platinum blonde look. My hair is a bit dry, but the NZ Music Idol crew do makeovers, right? My partner says I look like a moowyin dollars! My look is all about professionalism. I am presenting the right package!

Anyway, I'm going to sing "Funky Town" by Pisyewdo Echo!

Gotta make a move to a town that's right 4 me!!!
Town to keep me moving, keep me grooving with some energy! (Sorry, I'm not used to singing that high!)
Well I talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it!
Talk about, talk about, talk about moving!

Gotta move on!
Gotta move on!

Um, I can sing more if you want? Should I sing the chorus? Ok!

Won't u take me to!
A fon-kay town!
Won't u take me to!
A fon-kay town!
Won't u take me to!
A fon-kay town!
Won't u take me down!
To fuh-un-key town!

Um, how was that? I can also do "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston.