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June 1 2001 - Queens Birthday Friday of this unforgettable year

8pm - smoked 2 bifters of Skunk in my woodshed, what happens next is hillarious

*Walking thru the park acros the road from my house and the Trees ACTUALLY walked and had faces, one even talked to me. I Smoked more nz green
*I Saw black holes in the shaded mix of moon and street light and i attempted to jump into them only to end up flat on the non-intoxicating law grass.
* go home chat to my classmate from tech whacked outta me head (he was by coinsidence as well)
*Watch half of Psych-out, paused the video, went out side for the final joint, watched the other half of the movie and then beddy byes time. ( i had no idea what time it was 4-5am until i discovered it was only 1/4 11)

...............and many other memorable hemp-smoking sessions have since occured.

You could have always written 'JEW' on his forehead in black marker

As far as fucked up stage antics go, in my experience, nothing will beat Jamies 19th birthday at Thistle Hall. The band lineup:
Satan Could Be Seen To Be Eating My Knob
Dyad
21st Century Motorist
Kill More Hippies

During the setup of the hall, which started about mid-day, Paul and myself swilled back a dozen stubbies between us, just to warm up and get the ball rolling. During the course of the day we stocked up. We got ourselves another 2 dozen 500ml cans. and a 1125 of vodka. By the time the first band started (SKBSTBEMK) things were already looking a bit messy due to sessions and other beer which was flowing like a waterfall. We cracked open the vodka.

21st Century Motorist were up next and I started tuning my bass and setting up my rig. DelSpence approached me rather messily himself... "Hey bro..... whattaya reckin about playing naked tonight.. I mean you know.... as a buzz??". Unfortunately I wasnt quite that messy yet, and declined. He approached Beej and asked him... alas Beej didnt have enough dutch courage in him either. So Spence decided to compromise and plays in his boxer shorts.

Our second song arrives and I need to tune (already??). Spence announces drunkily on the microphone: "alright.. I wanna do something special for yall right now...." drops his boxers revealing his nads in all their glory. Then he boldy announced" AND WHO HASNT WANTED TO DO THIS BEFORE!!!" and put his leg up on the foldback and ripped into a blazing rendition of Sweet Child O Mine, much to the confusion / distaste / hilarity of the audience.

He played the rest of the gig like that, and when it came time for our last song which ends on a 3 piece percussion jam, he had no qualms in dropping his guitar, the only thing providing any coverage, and leaping around playing drums, making various parts of his anatomy "twirl" in time with the music.

I feel sorry for BJ who had the worst view in the house ... every time SPence ajusted a pedal.... .

Anyway. the night is still young and Paul and I are now on the home stretch of our binge drinking extravaganza. The beers are nearly dry and we are swilling the vodka straight from the bottle.

I would go into detail about KMH, but that band, and that performance is shrouded by clouds of uncertainty, and being the bearded lady bassist of the band (known as Aunty Placenta), I don't have much memory of it. What I do know is at one stage we refused to play until someone got us more beer. That was greated by "Fin.. shut the fuck up then", so we played more loudly. At another point we completely stopped for an unknown reason in the middle of a song. I hazily looked around. Hamish was sitting on the drum riser with 2 beers between his legs, playing with them like a little kid, Paul was shouting abuse at the audience, and Tim was murmering something about his drum pedals whilst wearing nothing but a small leather pouch. Hamish had taken off his blaclava to reveal his ex-girlfriends soiled g-string worn on his head, and Paul had gotten sick of his affro and aviators and thrown them into the audience. They were quickly thrown back at him. I lean over to Paul and yell "OI! CUNT! WHERES THE REST OF THE VODKA!!". Paul stumbles to an empty bottle sitting at the foot of his amp and hurls it at my head, narrowly missing".

At another point in our set, someone in the audience accidentally sets himself on fire by leaning into a candle. He must have been wearing a polyester shirt or something because apparantly he just went up. (If you are reading this dude - sorry about that - I heard you needed plastic surgery on your arm!) Anyway, Hamishs response to the yells of "someones on fire!!!" is to calmy advise everyone to block the exits. He then offers to but out the fire if someone supplies him with beer.

We somehow managed to finish our set, playing such number one smash hits as "Get This Up Your Cunt You Mole", "AKs and Affros", "Random Home Invasions" "Drink Drive Die", "Golf Claps for Stalin" and many other completely politically correct numbers.

The night was a haze after that. I think I went to Bar Bodega. Or maybe not? The morning brought a small truck laiden with heavy metals parked on my swede instead of a normal hangover.

P.S. KMH has reformed and played 2 gigs over here in Melbourne.

ok this is really boring compared to your stories and not really a tale of drunkenness but still random!
at punkfest a friend of mine couldn't open her beer (it was one of those annoying ones you need a bottle opener for) so she tried to bite it off...didn't work. Then she took it outside and started hitting it against the fence...didn't work. Suddenly, out of nowhere came this really wasted looking dude with tats from head to toe, a red mullet hohawk, studs n leathers, ripped jeans, patches, piercings...etc etc...and he said to me 'what the fuck are you trying to do?' and i say, 'uh open this bottle' so he snatches it out of my friend's hand, and bites the top of the bottle off, i kid you not!! He then spat the glass out, the bottle top out and gave the overflowing beer back to my flabbergasted friend with a glassy jagged top. i remember thinking at the time, 'now thats punk rock...'

A "Hitler" is when u extract some dried or still mushy flakes of leftover from between ur *cheeks* and wipe it across their upper lip while they are unconsicous. The effect will be the greater when they lick their lips the next morning...

Who else can remember that poor sod at The Cusp '03?
He was chased from the stage, or jumped from the stage as if to surf, or he tripped on the barrier (the video ref is still out on which)
And it was like Chalton Hesston parting the red sea......... I really thought he was dead