Alright people, you heard em... post your best drummer, guitarist, lead singer, bassist, DJ, groupie, soundman, A&R guy, manager, keyboardist joke here and be in to win the booty.

Winners will be announced here on Monday and via email.

PS: The word "Drummer" is interchangeable with "knuckles" in the above joke.

Ok, for this joke, ya gotta think along the lines of an independent muso who earns money by getting called up for a gig:

Q: What do you call a trombonist with a mobile phone?
A: an optimist!

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless

What do a singer & a drunk person at the door have in comman?
They can't find the key & if they do they don't know how to come in.

Of course can't forget a drummer joke.
How do you know a drummer is at the door? the knocking speeds up.

This drummer was sick of being mocked all the time so he decides to have an instrument change. He goes to the music shop and asks the dude to look at the accordions… because you know.. that’s the logical choice for a change of instrument!... after lookin for ages he finds one he wants and goes up to the shop owner.. “I want the big one in the corner” The shop guy looks at him and asks “you’re a drummer aye?” The drummer asks “how did you know!?”

“Because that ‘big accordion’ is a heater”
---
teehee

Q: how do you know which keyboard in a shop is made by a blonde?
A: the one where her house keys are stuck to a wooden board

PS: no offense to blondes :)

Q:What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Saliva

how do u stop a maori from drowning? take ur foot of his head!!!!

Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A. The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

Why do rock bands have roadies?
-=>To act as interpreters for the drummer.

[and only cause i'm an alto]:
What do you call a soprano who can sight read?
-=>An Alto

what do you do when a musician is at the door?
give him money and take the pizza.

whats the difference between an oboe and an onion?
nbody cries when you chop up an oboe.

whats the difference between a trombone and a trampoline?
you take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

how many soundmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
one, two, three, one, two three...

you know your a music nerd when:
- you tease your friends and loved ones with deseptive cadences.

OK - here's some that didn't make it to my C4 audition video:

A kiwi musician walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Hey, aren't you on Shortland Street?"

A kiwi musician walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Remember - band practice on Wednesday!"

And one that did make it to my C4 audition tape:

A kiwi musician walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Hey, weren't you in the Chills?"

[ http://www.hawhawhaw.haw ]

foul mouthed man walks up to manager in a posh restaurant and says “I’m here for the frigging pianist’s job, snotface”. The manager is shocked, but shows the man to the piano and asks if he can play blues. The man then plays the most beautiful blues the manager has ever heard. “Superb!” he says, “Whats it called?”, “I want to root your missus on the sofa but the springs keep digging into my bell end” answers the man. The manager is a bit weary, but asks for some jazz. The man plays the most melancholy jazz solo ever. “Magnificent!” the manager cries. “what’s it called?” , “ I wanked on the washing machine but my bullocks got caught in the powder draw”, he replies. So, despite his language, the manager is so moved by the music that he gives him the job, on the provision that he never introduces any of his songs. This goes well, until one night the pianist a wank. He goes to the toilet and stokes away, but just as he is finishing he hears the manager shouting out for him. The pianist whips up his pants, returns to the stage and plays on. In a minute a woman comes up and whispers in his ear “do you know your knob’s hanging out of your trousers and dribbling cum all over your shoes? “know it? Says the pianist. “ I f*%&^g wrote it!”

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, so long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

Q: How can you tell if the drummer's platform is level?
A: Drool is coming out of both sides of his mouth.

[I couldn't choose which joke i liked best so here's a few. . . . i know i'm a chick but the guitar/women joke is a classic]

Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
Because most shops close by six thirty.

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either

Why Guitars are better than Women:
A guitar has a volume knob.
If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $. 79 for a new one.
You can unplug a guitar.
If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can retune it.
If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set.
You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking.
|You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free.
You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."