Q) How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
A)Bit by bit
Q) All the animals of the jungle decided to have a gathering. Which animal did not attend?
A)The elephant, because it was in the fridge
Q)Somebody was walking through the jungle and needed to get across a crocodile inhabited river? How did they manage to swim across without being eaten?
A)There were no crocodiles, because they were all at the gathering
Q) Whats the definition of Agony?
A) A one armed man hanging from
a cliff with ITCY BALLS.
Sorry to all the one armed men out their, but that is funny.....
a man's pet boxer has crossed eyes, so he decides to it to the vet. There, the vet examines the dog, taking it's heartbeat, checking it's throat and ears and picks it up to look at it's eyes closer. Turning to the man, the vet says "i'm going to have to put your dog down."
Shocked the man asks "Why, because it has crossed eyes?!"
"No, because it's really heavy."
next: why does a chicken's arse taste nice? because you're a fucking freak.
why don't lesbians do 69 to each other first thing when they wake up in bed? have you ever seen an open grilled-cheese sandwich?
when do you know you are a sick fuck? when you flip your nanna over and use her for chip dip.
One day there was this fly hovering six inches above the river.
Inside the river was a fish who was thinking "If that fly drops six inches, I could jump out of river and eat the fly!". So the fish kept his eye on the Fly...
On the bank of the river was a Bear, who was watching everything and was thinking to himself that "If the fly drops six inches, and the fish gets the fly... I could swipe my big paw and get the fish!". So the Bear watched the fish, and the fish watched the fly....
In the trees near the river was a hunter, who was watching everything and thought to himself "If that fly drops six inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish... then I can shoot the Bear!" So the hunter watched the Bear, the Bear watched the Fish, and the Fish watched the Fly...
Then of all things, there was this mouse. Who by the way was watching everything and thought to himself "Fuck, if that fly drops six inches then the fish could get the Fly, the Bear would get the Fish, The Hunter shoots the Bear... And I can get the cheese out of the Hunters Sandwhich!" Stoked as he was the Mouse watched the Hunter, the Hunter watched the Bear, The Bear watched the Fish and the Fish watched the Fly.....
But then out of no-where, there was this cat. Who was watching everything and was thinking to himself "I'm gonna get that fucken mouse!" "When that Fly drops six inches, the Fish gets the Fly, The Bear gets the Fish, The Hunter shoots the Bear, and the Mouse grabs the cheese... I will get the fucken mouse!"
So the Cat watched the Mouse. The Mouse watched the Hunter. The Hunter watched the Bear. The Bear watched the Fish and the Fish watched the Fly.
Everyone is watching each other.... Then it all happens.
The fly drops six inches, the fish jumps out and eats the fly, the Bear runs in and swipes the fish, the Hunter aims and shoots the Bear, the Mouse sprints in and takes the cheese and the Cat comes flying in but misses the mouse completely...
Splash!
And thats the end of my story....
Do you know what the moral of the story is?
Every time a Fly drops six inches... A Pussy gets wet!
Q: why did the plane crash?
A: because the pilot was a fridge!
but seriously, this guy goes to pick his date up for the high school ball, and her father answers the door. "Hello Mr Popplewell," says the nervous fellow, "i'm here to pick your daughter up for the school ball". "Ah yes" replied the father, "Sandy's just doing her thing, she'll be down in a second. Look, you seem pretty nervous, so just between you and me, she really loves to screw. She can screw all night if she wants to, if you asked her what her favourite thing was, she would say that she loves screwing, so you should have no trouble getting her to screw with you".
So the nervous teenager nods, thanks the girl's father, a little bit stunned at his honesty, and takes her to the car. 20 minutes later, the girl gets home, she's really mad as all hell at her father. "What's wrong darling?" asks the father. "TWIST, dad, I love to TWIST!!"
i've had this argument before, in real life, with someone, i like fridge better, because it's even more unlikely that a fridge would get behind the controls of an aircraft. let alone be able to take off and fly far enough to crash :P
an orange, i mean that's just absurd, the co-pilot could have put him there! a fridge would take some effort.
no, i really don't have a clue what sort of point i'm trying to make here
four nuns are about to finish their last test to become fully fledged nuns.
Mother superior enters the room. she asks them " has anyone here ever seen a mans penis in the flesh" the first nun stands up "i have sister"
mother superior holds up a bowl of holy water "wash your eyes in this, say three hail mary's and all will be forgiven..now has anyone here ever held a mans penis in their hands"
the second nun stands up "i have sister" mother superior holds up the bowl
"wash your hands in the holy water say three hail mary's and all will be forgiven"
meanwhile the fourth nun taps the third on the shoulder and says "do you mind if I gargle that before you stick your arse in it?"
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That was quite good. But lets try to ...
That was quite good. But lets try to keep the jokes short and snappy.
There are 2 fish in a tank.
One looks at the other and says -
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
HA!
Ahaha, classic....
Ahaha, classic.
how do you fit four prostitutes on a ...
how do you fit four prostitutes on a chair? - agh, god no. i won't tell that one.
turn it upside down...
turn it upside down
Why did the girl fall off the ...
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Cause she had no arms!
*Apologies to all people with no arms*
Why did the girl fall off the ...
Why did the girl fall off the bike?
Cause she got hit by a fridge!
*Apologies to those with a sophisticated sense of humour*
What did one saggy boob say to the ...
What did one saggy boob say to the other..?
If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.
That reminds me of this one. Q - ...
That reminds me of this one.
Q - What hangs between an old womans nipples?
A - Her belly button.
*shudder*
// Cause she got hit by a fridge! i ...
// Cause she got hit by a fridge!
i think you have to be pretty sophisticated to appreciate the "fridge series" of jokes.
and i wish i'd noticed that one before i threw mine in there
how do you kill black widows? Take ...
how do you kill black widows?
Take away their food stamps
C'mon that's plain mean...yet funny....
C'mon that's plain mean...yet funny.
sorry about my last 2 posts, NZMUSIC ...
sorry about my last 2 posts, NZMUSIC forum is as slow as fuck - which is another topic.
here are a few of mine <b>Why Was ...
here are a few of mine
Why Was the Monkey Committed to a Mental Hospital??
Cos He Went Bananas
Did you hear about the pothead who made a request to helen clark??
his teacher told him to fetch a ruler
why is saddam hussein a mad-arse??
When his name is spelt backwards (saddam backwards=MADDAS)
What is the national bird of Aceh??
Duck.
[ external link ]
Q) How do you get an elephant into a ...
Q) How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
A)Bit by bit
Q) All the animals of the jungle decided to have a gathering. Which animal did not attend?
A)The elephant, because it was in the fridge
Q)Somebody was walking through the jungle and needed to get across a crocodile inhabited river? How did they manage to swim across without being eaten?
A)There were no crocodiles, because they were all at the gathering
Q) Whats the definition of Agony? A) A ...
Q) Whats the definition of Agony?
A) A one armed man hanging from
a cliff with ITCY BALLS.
Sorry to all the one armed men out their, but that is funny.....
this is going to be cool; a man's ...
this is going to be cool;
a man's pet boxer has crossed eyes, so he decides to it to the vet. There, the vet examines the dog, taking it's heartbeat, checking it's throat and ears and picks it up to look at it's eyes closer. Turning to the man, the vet says "i'm going to have to put your dog down."
Shocked the man asks "Why, because it has crossed eyes?!"
"No, because it's really heavy."
next: why does a chicken's arse taste nice? because you're a fucking freak.
why don't lesbians do 69 to each other first thing when they wake up in bed? have you ever seen an open grilled-cheese sandwich?
when do you know you are a sick fuck? when you flip your nanna over and use her for chip dip.
no apologies. if you're upset you can get bent.
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a ...
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter-Pounder with Cheese.
*gasp*...
*gasp*
Dr. Gymkhana... that is genius!!...
Dr. Gymkhana...
that is genius!!
One day there was this fly hovering six ...
One day there was this fly hovering six inches above the river.
Inside the river was a fish who was thinking "If that fly drops six inches, I could jump out of river and eat the fly!". So the fish kept his eye on the Fly...
On the bank of the river was a Bear, who was watching everything and was thinking to himself that "If the fly drops six inches, and the fish gets the fly... I could swipe my big paw and get the fish!". So the Bear watched the fish, and the fish watched the fly....
In the trees near the river was a hunter, who was watching everything and thought to himself "If that fly drops six inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish... then I can shoot the Bear!" So the hunter watched the Bear, the Bear watched the Fish, and the Fish watched the Fly...
Then of all things, there was this mouse. Who by the way was watching everything and thought to himself "Fuck, if that fly drops six inches then the fish could get the Fly, the Bear would get the Fish, The Hunter shoots the Bear... And I can get the cheese out of the Hunters Sandwhich!" Stoked as he was the Mouse watched the Hunter, the Hunter watched the Bear, The Bear watched the Fish and the Fish watched the Fly.....
But then out of no-where, there was this cat. Who was watching everything and was thinking to himself "I'm gonna get that fucken mouse!" "When that Fly drops six inches, the Fish gets the Fly, The Bear gets the Fish, The Hunter shoots the Bear, and the Mouse grabs the cheese... I will get the fucken mouse!"
So the Cat watched the Mouse. The Mouse watched the Hunter. The Hunter watched the Bear. The Bear watched the Fish and the Fish watched the Fly.
Everyone is watching each other.... Then it all happens.
The fly drops six inches, the fish jumps out and eats the fly, the Bear runs in and swipes the fish, the Hunter aims and shoots the Bear, the Mouse sprints in and takes the cheese and the Cat comes flying in but misses the mouse completely...
Splash!
And thats the end of my story....
Do you know what the moral of the story is?
Every time a Fly drops six inches... A Pussy gets wet!
why do women have smaller feet than ...
why do women have smaller feet than men?
so they can stand closer to the sink
how should you open a beer?
you shouldnt have to, it should be open by the time the bitch brings it to you
sorry to all feminests out there!
those jokes are so rediculously and ...
those jokes are so rediculously and obviously wrong that they are almost ok, in some wierd ironic sense.
What's the Irish expression for ...
What's the Irish expression for hangover?
Morning.
What do you hear before a redneck dies?
"hey y'all, watch this!"
Q: What happened to the blind ...
Q: What happened to the blind circumiser?
A: HE GOT THE SAC!
so very lame...
Q: why did the plane crash? A: because ...
Q: why did the plane crash?
A: because the pilot was a fridge!
but seriously, this guy goes to pick his date up for the high school ball, and her father answers the door. "Hello Mr Popplewell," says the nervous fellow, "i'm here to pick your daughter up for the school ball". "Ah yes" replied the father, "Sandy's just doing her thing, she'll be down in a second. Look, you seem pretty nervous, so just between you and me, she really loves to screw. She can screw all night if she wants to, if you asked her what her favourite thing was, she would say that she loves screwing, so you should have no trouble getting her to screw with you".
So the nervous teenager nods, thanks the girl's father, a little bit stunned at his honesty, and takes her to the car. 20 minutes later, the girl gets home, she's really mad as all hell at her father. "What's wrong darling?" asks the father. "TWIST, dad, I love to TWIST!!"
i wish i knew some good jokes :P
No no no, it's: Q:Why wouldn;t the ...
No no no, it's:
Q:Why wouldn;t the plane fly?
A:Because the pilot was an orange!
That way, if it's a tough crowd, you can move on to the little girl jokes posted above.
i've had this argument before, in real ...
i've had this argument before, in real life, with someone, i like fridge better, because it's even more unlikely that a fridge would get behind the controls of an aircraft. let alone be able to take off and fly far enough to crash :P
an orange, i mean that's just absurd, the co-pilot could have put him there! a fridge would take some effort.
no, i really don't have a clue what sort of point i'm trying to make here
Q: What's red and invisible? A: No ...
Q: What's red and invisible?
A: No Tomatoes!
Q: What's yellow and doesn't float?
A: A bulldozer!
Q: What kind of cheese is 'not your' cheese?
A: Nacho cheese!
what do women and clouds have in ...
what do women and clouds have in common?
eventually they fuck off and its a nice day.
and no complaints, a girl told me that one.
Why are men like grapes? Because ...
Why are men like grapes?
Because you step all over them and keep them in the dark until they eventually mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
and to even it up..
Why do women wear white when they get married?
Because its important for the dishwasher to match the stove and fridge!! hehe
Q: What did the grape say when it was ...
Q: What did the grape say when it was run over by a steam-roller?
A: Nothing ... it just gave out a little w(h)ine .... Heh heh heh!!!
Y mommas so stupid, she got fired from ...
Y mommas so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for chucking out all the w's.
that's supposed to be YO ...
that's supposed to be YO MOMMA'S...
anyway, yo momma's so fat, I tried driving around her and ran out of petrol.
Yo momma's so hairy when she raises ...
Yo momma's so hairy when she raises her arm, it looks like she's got Don King in a headlock! :)
Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi ...
Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo Momma's is so fat, when she goes to ...
Yo Momma's is so fat, when she goes to the movies she sits next to EVERYBODY.
Yo momma's so fat when she wears a ...
Yo momma's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people yell "taxi!".
yo mammas so fat she fell into the ...
yo mammas so fat she fell into the grand canion and got stuck
four nuns are about to finish their ...
four nuns are about to finish their last test to become fully fledged nuns.
Mother superior enters the room. she asks them " has anyone here ever seen a mans penis in the flesh" the first nun stands up "i have sister"
mother superior holds up a bowl of holy water "wash your eyes in this, say three hail mary's and all will be forgiven..now has anyone here ever held a mans penis in their hands"
the second nun stands up "i have sister" mother superior holds up the bowl
"wash your hands in the holy water say three hail mary's and all will be forgiven"
meanwhile the fourth nun taps the third on the shoulder and says "do you mind if I gargle that before you stick your arse in it?"
Yo Mama so fat - when she farted a ...
Yo Mama so fat - when she farted a "nuclear fallout" was declared
Yo Mama so poor she cant afford to live in a cardboard box
Yo Mama so old she sat next to moses in form 2.
Yo Mama so old she new "old man winter" when he was just 15
Yo Mama so dum she sold her car to buy a tyre.
[ external link ]
Haha a tire, very classy....
Haha a tire, very classy.
the inicator dogs and rubicon...
the inicator dogs and rubicon
<sarcasim>haha very funny, im really ...
haha very funny, im really larffing
although i do agree that rubicock is a joke
[ external link ]
HOW DO YOU KEEP A MORON IN SUSPENCE???...
HOW DO YOU KEEP A MORON IN SUSPENCE???
how?...
how?
hey mister ibanez, did you know they ...
hey mister ibanez, did you know they took gullible out of the dictionary?!?!
they did! twice! wow! *isn't stupid ...
they did! twice! wow!
*isn't stupid as he chooses to be ignorant*